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Last night was a real eye-opener. It's too premature to go into details, but I was up until 4am talking to my cousin about things. She's been a rock for me the past few weeks. She's been where I am, and she cares enough to tell me the truth. That said, I think my life completely took a turn-around last night. I'm okay with that. I'll get through it. It will be hard at first, but I can't keep sitting in this skin any longer.

Anyway, the majority of last night was good. I met my my cousin, her boyfriend, my friend Amanda, and her fiance at the Ram. I haven't seen Amanda in three years. We used to go out a lot, and then she moved and I met Dave and things just faded. But she found a really good guy and I'm happy for her. I'm going to her bachelorette party next month, and if I can come up with the money I might go to her wedding in Napa Valley in May. I'm supposed to visit Carrie in May as well, but I don't know where those plans stand. I guess it depends on my job/money situation. But we'll see. (Okay, so I'm scared to fly alone.. Maybe I'll be over it by then.)

Tonight, my cousin is coming back over and we're supposed to go out. Ryan said he'd be in town tonight so I'm going to invite him, too. Seems I always find myself needing him when my life takes a turn. I guess that's what good friends are for.. to erase everything you don't want to see.

Mar. 1st, 2006

"I gotta hand it to you kid.. most people come to Paris to fall in love. You came to get slapped."

Ah Sex and the City. You do it to me every time.

Here I am crying because it's just so damn sappy and sad, just like life right now.

Things will get better, I'm sure. I just need changes. It's time to get off my ass and make them already, because I'm realizing I'm the only one that can.

Music survey! Snagged from Hillary

Open ITunes or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs?: 1,481

Sort by song title:
First Song: ...And Nothing Less - Appleseed Cast
Last Song: You've Got a Way - Shania Twain

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: K I'm not finding where to do this on Windows Media Player
Longest Song:

Sort by album:
First Album: Sigur Ros - ( )
Last Album: Y Kant Tori Read

Last Five Played Songs:
Tori Amos - Juarez
Ben Folds Five - Song For the Dumped
Counting Crows - Miami
Studio 54 - If You Could Read My Mind
Counting Crows - Holiday in Spain

Top Five Most Played Songs:
Counting Crows - Colorblind
Tori Amos - Doughnut Song
Coldplay - Warning Sign
Ani Difranco - Anyday
Tori Amos - Sleeps With Butterflies

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Melissa Etheridge - Like the Way I Do

How many songs come up when you search for "sex"?: 4

How many songs come up when you search for "death"?: 0

How many songs come up when you search for "love"?: 43

How many songs come up when you search for "you"?: 132

The "five quirks meme" going around

1. I have to wish on the clock when all the numbers are the same. I always make one wish, but the one that counts is the next thing that pops in my head that very second. And if I look back at the clock and it hasn't changed, I have to look at it again before it changes, or else my wish won't come true.

2. I play "fate games" daily. I work with personal checks a lot, so I say to myself, "The last check in the batch will determine my future, wedding day, etc etc" and if the name or picture reflects something close to real life, I gasp.. even though I do this on a daily basis. (Oddly enough though, the other day a check had the exact name of someone I knew.)

3. I can't sleep unless I have a full glass of water on my nightstand.

4. Every day before I leave for work, or leave work to go home, I check the mileage to determine exactly what it will read when I get to my destination.

5. I sing when I'm nervous. Usually it's just in the car when I'm lost or going somewhere I don't want to go, but I've found I do it the presence of other people as well.
Oh Chicago, you really suck sometimes. It took me an hour an a half to drive eight miles tonight. And it's still snowing. Any other state would get a snow day, I tell you.

And apparently a plane skidded off a runway at Midway earlier... into a BUSY street. I can't even imagine. I mean, coming face to face with an airplane, while in your car? My total nightmare.. seriously. I have nightmares about all airplane-related things. As far as I know, nobody was hurt though, thank goodness.

I took my Physical Geography final tonight. It sucked horribly. I really don't think I passed. I always think this after a final, but I really don't think I even pulled a "C". The essays were horrible. I don't know why Lake Michigan is Lake Michigan and to tell you the truth, I didn't know Chicago once was part of an ice age, nor did I know why. I hated that damn class. I'm just glad to be done.

While I'm at it, I get to work Saturday, yay! Does anyone else in my department have to work Saturday? Nope! Can you tell I'm excited??

Alright, enough of this. I need some good sleep, and then a good Friday, to start off my half-assed weekend. Despite all this, I'm in okay spirits.. because, to quote Tori, "I'm okay when everything's not okay."

Night, all.

Nov. 6th, 2005

I don't remember what drove me to do this an hour ago, but I just went back and read over fourteen pages of notes that Jenny left me on my old diary. I went back and read emails. I went back and read comments others left after she died.

I can't believe she's been gone almost five years.

And I'm sorry to those that knew her, to dredge up old memories. I have put all this behind me for awhile now, but I missed her tonight. And I cried and cried. I'm feeling too much tonight.

It'd odd the songs that came on... so many that I would have never known if it weren't for her.

I need to go to bed. I am not in good form tonight, not at all.

I know where the car is parked...

Forgive me.. it's just a breakdown. It's that time of year, after all. You don't see the tears. You only hear the anger. And they'll never know they're being used until I've washed them off my hands. These tears bleed like sins, but you'll never know.

I call it love. I breathe out excuses for him. I waitwaitwait because it's been this long. Unanswered calls are not in the movie scenes. And keeping my grace isn't even my character. Maybe this isn't real if I can't touch it anymore.

I stay home alone because I'm lonely. The wrong people call but I can't think of one that is right. Oh pity party, entertain me.

(I'm going to break your heart, as soon as he breaks mine.)
To all my Chicago (non-Cubs) fans ;).... Go White Sox!!!

I've managed to watch every game so far, but leave it to me to fall asleep at 9:00 last night. Oh well... I'm still happy.
Damn, every little thing is making me cry lately. I don't know if it's hormones, the changing weather, or the current events in my life lately.. but it's not so much fun.

So my weekend with Carrie was great. We were lucky enough to run into a few friends she hasn't seen in awhile.. my cousin, Mike, and Ryan. So that was cool. We ended up going to Oktoberfest at a winery with Jenn and Teresa, and spent the night walking around with a bottle of wine, smoking cigarettes and talking about things only we can talk about. Then we went to Bahama Breeze, followed by Easy Street where Ryan was. We ended up at IHOP around 2am, and that's when the wine started wearing off and the sadness started to kick in. As Jenn and I dropped her off, we realized we probably wouldn't see each other for awhile. I mean, it had been two years since the last visit. And yes, I can get over my idiotic fears and get on a plane and go to her, but I don't know when that will be. So I went home and cried. Because she's my best friend, and I missed her tons.

On Sunday, I woke up remembering Ryan was crashed out on my couch. I hate that, but I can't say no. I'd rather him not drive an hour home after he's been drinking. So anyway, he left when Dave showed up with two pumpkin-spice coffees. (Sarah, I've been craving that ever since you mentioned it, therefore he got sick of my talking about it). So we watched the Bears game as I recovered and inhaled the smell of autumn, then went out for hot wings. On the way to the bar, we noticed two pup Pit Bulls running across the street. I wanted to go back to see if they were okay, so we did. It was a pretty horrible neighborhood, and some guy nearby yelled at us to just take them because they always hop the fence, their owner never watches them, and they live in filth. The dogs were so goddamned skinny and my heart sank right there. But what could we do? Some kids came over on their bikes and took them back to their owners. But the poor dogs were just waiting outside the 7-11 where we saw them, wanting to go in. I figured they probably run away looking for food. So we left, and I sat there and cried in Timeout's parking lot for a good 20 minutes. I can't stand shit like that. It breaks my heart.

And I'm sitting here crying now, because I'm in a "there is so much fucking sadness in the world and there's nothing I can do about it" mood. It'll pass, but there's too many emotions to deal with right now. I will go read Geography/Geology whatever it is I'm taking because there is nothing sad about rocks and land formations.
Tonight I will be sitting at my kitchen table, gossiping horrible girl talk and sharing a big bottle of cherry vodka with... Carrie! Yay, I haven't seen her in two years.. I'm so excited. :)

And I'm off work the rest of week... Happiness!!
Play along!! You know you want to!

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself?
8. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.
9. Tell me your first impression of me.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
Something I saw on another journal that I want to pass along....

Free Transport to Anywhere: Rooms Needed For Katrina Animal Victims!

Transport Provided to Anywhere - Rooms Desperately Needed! (For the Animal Victims of Katrina) There is transportation provided, with people ready and waiting, for upwards of 200 dogs and 150 cats so far rescued from the devastation of hurricane Katrina. What these animals need is a place to go. Kennels, boarding, vets offices, shelters with any extra space, foster homes and rescues. Even one or two open kennels would greatly help.

From what we know, all animals have been vaccinated and are in good health considering the conditions. There are dogs and cats of every breed and
size. Some are in groups of two, three or four, hailing from the same family, while some are solitary. ANY KENNEL SPACE AVAILABLE CAN CERTAINLY BE USED. These drivers are willing to move these animals ANYWHERE they need to go. Absolutely anywhere.

The current safe houses for these animals are being inundated and some of these pets will have to be euthanized if they are not moved to make room for the incoming animals.

Please feel free to pass on this information everywhere. Every forum, every list, every community.

If you know anyone, anywhere, that is willing to take in even one cat or dog, please have them contact Lynda at the information provided below. They are also asking for ANY kind of donations for the animals - money, food, bedding, water, etc.

Please Contact Lynda V. at: 203 515 3024 (cell)
Home: 203 227 5308
Email: Lynda@portone.com
Please contact at any time, day or night. These volunteers, rescuers and shelter workers are working around the clock.
Thank you!
You are: Little Earthquakes.

Reflective. Introspective. Thoughtful. You know
yourself very well. Other people in society
have silenced you for years, but you're
learning to love yourself as you are. You
express yourself in a simple, elegant, and
eloquent style. As you begin to learn what is
truly precious in life, you're on your way to
becoming your own person.

Which Tori Amos Album Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Last night was good. More later. I need a nap because it's more of the same tonight.

Sep. 1st, 2005

I just realized I didn't go out all weekend, except to get fast food. Nothing wrong with that. But I feel a little hermit-like.

After watching Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle today (yes so I was in the mood for brainless movies), I had to venture out for White Castle. I saw a family of raccoons on my way... cutest thing ever. One baby was climbing a little tree. I had to go back on my way home to see them.

What else... Oh, I got a proposal today. I won't go into this now. But my heart is quietly dancing and that's all I need right now.